Granpaw’s Journal

This one caught my eye this morning.
It is from the FBI so I better look at it instead of deleting it.
The header looks SO professional.

Anti-Terrorist and Monitory Crimes Division.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation.
J. Edgar. Hoover Building, Washington D.C
Telephone Number : (202) 984 - 0470
federa_bureau_investigations@live.com

It continues.

ATTN: BENEFICIARY

Wait one!..
FBI officials have not really been known to address the general public as beneficiaries, AND include a telephone number, AND miss an all important letter, (L in federal), in their return address

But I read further to find..

This is to Officially inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly completed and Investigated with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring Network System that you are having an illegal transaction with Impostors claiming to be Prof. Charles C. Soludo of the Central Bank Of Nigeria, Mr. Patrick Aziza, Mr Frank Nweke, none officials of Oceanic Bank, none officials of Zenith Bank and some impostors claiming to be the Federal Bureau Of Investigation agents.

Oh..Ok…that is perfectly clear…WHAT???

It continues…

During our Investigation, it came to our notice that the reason why you have not received your payment is because you have not fulfilled your Financial Obligation given to you in respect of your Contract/Inheritance Payment.

Let me get this straight…
An agent of the FB fricken I is telling me of an ongoing investigation of MY illegal transaction AND then, why it FAILED??

OK now you’ve got my attention…
How do I fulfill my “Financial Obligation”?
Read on…

So therefore, we have contacted the Federal Ministry Of Finance on your behalf and they have brought a solution to your problem by coordinating your payment in the total amount of $800,000.00 USD which will be deposited into an ATM CARD which you will use to withdraw funds anywhere of the world. You now have the lawful right to claim your funds which have been deposited into the ATM CARD.

Oh so now this agent is telling me they have “acted on my behalf” and found a way to COMPLETE this ILLEGAL activity..?
That sounds about right…

Since the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Federal Ministry Of Finance (Nigeria) has been involved in this transaction, you are now to be rest assured that this transaction is legitimate and completely risk-free as it is our duty to Protect and Serve citizens. All you have to do is immediately contact the ATM CARD CENTER via E-mail for instructions on how to procure your Approval Slip which contains details on how to receive and activate your ATM CARD for immediate use to withdraw funds being paid to you. We have confirmed that the amount required to procure the Approval Slip will cost you a total of $300 USD which will be paid directly to the ATM CARD CENTER agent in West Africa via Western Union Money Transfer / MoneyGram Money Transfer. Below, you shall find contact details of the Agent whom will process your transaction:

The only thing missing is a :0) and/or “LOL”..next time add one or the other and it will seem more real.

Oh yeah…
I’m sending my personal info and $300. dollars right away because after all, this is from the Director of the FBI right…?
You promise?…
Cross your heart and hope to DIE?

I hope you do too!

I read a writeup in a local paper (Wausau record Herald) about a new Psychic in the area.
Now folks I do believe there are things that go on in the realm of the supernatural that we cannot explain. I further believe that there are things in the realm of the supernatural that we probably should not mess with.

This person says she cannot “speak” to the dead, but she knows if they are happy…Okay, so if we choose to believe that statement, and if we plop down enough hard earned cash, we can find out if our own dearly departed are happy or not..If they are happy, we are happy…If they are not happy, we are not happy.
Where then is the benefit of asking..? well lessee, the so called psychic has come out ahead financially.

If these scam artists are really able to see things why then must we go to them? why don’t they look us up? why doesn’t their “insight” tell them “hey! lookee there…that one is an easy mark”…Or better yet…why don’t they forget about us, and play the lottery…much more lucrative, and no need to make us believe the hokus pokus…And if they really want to help us…Well then tell us the winning numbers.

Not too long ago I read about a person who was reported to be able to manipulate inanimate objects with his mind alone..
How about he fills up my gas tank by thinking it full…regular will do.
Now that would be a thing to benefit humanity.

It is said that we only use 10% of our brain, that we are capable of doing anything if we “put our mind to it” and work hard enough. Okay…I think I want to be a virgin again, no wait, I want to be a.. oh what the heck I can’t afford it anyway, unless a psychic tells me them numbers.

Maybe it was the thing I told the telemarketer the other day about not having a vehicle, maybe they sold my name to this company.

A large envelope came in the mail today, it contained information for me (by name) on a “free mobility assessment”, all I had to do was answer “yes” to any of 8 questions and I could call an 800 number to speak to “an expert mobility consultant” .
Last I looked (this morning) I wasn’t overly challenged in the mobility department. except for my shoes on the wrong foot but that was easily remedied….after a minute or two.

So, being the person I am, wishing to participate in any distractions from my boring life in the real world, I decided to fill in the form.
I would later decide whether or not to call the number.

1. ) Do you sometimes feel left out by not being able to get together with family and friends?
   Yes, Prarticularly when they frequent the same room…I just drown them out with my whining for attention.
2. ) Do you have health related issues that limit your mobility?
   Yes, I can’t take more than 3 steps without pausing to catch my breath, stairs are a pain in the butt too. They tell me it’s from my smoking but it only bothers me when I’m awake.
3. ) Are you having trouble getting to your kitchen or dining facility by yourself for a meal?
   Yes, there always seems to be someone else in there eating…not cooking, I have to do that, they’re mostly just eating.
4. ) Is it difficult for you to get to the bathroom?
   Yes, well, not so much after midnight, but before that it’s a problem…there’s the wife who is always in there when one (or two) of the kids ain’t.
5. ) Are you unable to easilly access yopur clothes and dress yourself each day?
   Yes, But this may soon change, they tell me I might get my own dresser for my own clothes!.
6. ) Have you lost the ability to operate a manual wheelchair inside your home?
   Yes, the one I used for a shopping cart fell apart awhile back, now I have to use the shopping carts at the store, but I like to read the papers they leave in them, and they hold lots more stuff.
7. ) Are you feeling like a bother to others due to limited mobility?
   Yes, it’s getting harder to get anyone to run down to the store for beer and smokes unless I buy the gas.
8. ) Have you fallen in the last 12 months?
   Yes, I did a handful of vickys and a bunch of Caronas on my birthday and slipped on an icy ramp! coulda really used one of your chairs then!.

Oh yeah and they will send me a free magnifying ruler..so then I’ll be able to see what I measuring.